Why Don’t I Feel Like Myself Anymore?
If you’ve found yourself thinking, “I don’t recognise myself” or “something feels off and I can’t explain it,” you’re not alone. Many women in perimenopause describe a quiet—but unsettling—sense of disconnection from who they’ve always been. It can show up as anxiety you never had before, a flatter mood, emotional reactivity, brain fog, or a loss of confidence in decisions that once came easily.
It’s disorienting. And because the changes are often invisible from the outside, they can feel deeply personal—like a flaw or a failure. But this experience has a biological explanation. Nothing about it means you’re weak, broken, or “losing it.” It means your body is moving through a real neurological and hormonal transition.
What’s Happening in the Body and Brain
Perimenopause is the long hormonal runway before menopause, often beginning in the late 30s or 40s and lasting several years. During this time, estrogen and progesterone don’t simply decline—they fluctuate unpredictably. Think of it less like a dimmer switch and more like a flickering light.
Estrogen, in particular, has a widespread influence beyond reproduction. It interacts closely with brain chemicals that regulate mood, focus, motivation, and emotional stability—such as serotonin, dopamine, and GABA. When estrogen levels swing up and down, these systems can become less steady.
At the same time, progesterone—which has a calming, grounding effect on the nervous system—often drops earlier and more consistently. For many women, that means the brain’s natural “brake pedal” isn’t engaging the way it once did. The result can be feeling more emotionally raw, less resilient under stress, or prone to worry and rumination.
Neurologically, the brain during midlife becomes more sensitive to input. The stress response can activate more quickly and take longer to settle. This isn’t because you’re coping poorly; it’s because the systems that once buffered stress are in flux.
Why It Often Shows Up at Night
Many women notice that the sense of not feeling like themselves is most intense in the evening or at night. There are a few gentle explanations for this.
First, cortisol—the body’s main stress hormone—naturally follows a daily rhythm, and hormonal fluctuations can disrupt this pattern. As estrogen and progesterone shift, cortisol can remain higher later in the day, making it harder for the nervous system to fully stand down.
Second, nighttime removes distraction. During the day, you’re moving, engaging, solving problems. At night, the quiet creates space for bodily sensations and thoughts to take center stage. If the nervous system is already on high alert, this can translate into internal restlessness, racing thoughts, or a vague sense of dread.
Sleep itself also becomes more fragile in perimenopause. Even subtle changes in sleep architecture can reduce the brain’s emotional resilience, making everything feel sharper and heavier after dark.
Common Amplifiers That Make It Feel Worse
Hormonal fluctuation sets the stage—but other factors can amplify the experience.
Chronic stress plays a major role. Many women enter perimenopause during life phases that are already demanding: careers, caregiving, adolescents, aging parents. A stress-loaded nervous system has less flexibility to absorb hormonal variability.
Sleep debt compounds everything. Even small, cumulative sleep disruptions affect mood regulation, emotional memory, and threat perception in the brain.
Alcohol, though often used to unwind, can intensify nighttime uncertainty and low mood by interfering with sleep quality and destabilizing blood sugar and stress hormones.
Rigid expectations can be an underrated amplifier. When you expect yourself to function exactly as you always have—while your biology is changing—every off day can feel like evidence that something is wrong with you.
What Tends to Help Most Women (Without “Fixing”)
While there’s no single solution, many women find relief not from trying to eliminate symptoms, but from creating conditions of greater nervous system support.
Understanding what’s happening is often the first easing step. When experiences are named and normalised, the brain interprets them as less threatening. That alone can reduce the intensity of symptoms.
Gentler rhythms—especially in the evening—often make a difference. This isn’t about rigid routines, but about lowering stimulation and allowing the nervous system to shift gears gradually.
Emotional permission matters. Allowing yourself to be different for a season—less driven, more reflective, more selective with energy—can reduce internal friction.
Connection also tends to help. Conversations with other women who recognise these changes can restore a sense of coherence and belonging. When your inner experience is mirrored, it stops feeling so alarming.
Perhaps most importantly, many women benefit from reframing this phase not as a loss of self, but as a reorganisation. The brain and body are updating priorities, sensitivities, and thresholds.
A Gentler Way Forward
Perimenopause can feel like standing on shifting ground, unsure whether to trust your reactions or your instincts. But the self you feel disconnected from hasn’t disappeared. She isn’t broken or gone. She’s navigating a nervous system that’s operating under new rules.
This chapter asks for more compassion than correction. More listening than overriding. When you respond to yourself with curiosity instead of judgment, the sense of alienation often softens.
You are not failing at being you. You are in the middle of a transition that millions of women share—one that deserves understanding, patience, and respect.
And slowly, as the ground steadies, many women report not just a return to themselves, but a deeper, quieter sense of alignment. Different, yes. But real. And still wholly you.
